August 25, 2006

New door

Last day of work, May 26th. First day of doing nothing, absolutely nothing, May 28th. It's memorial day weekend and I woke up with an annoying earache. Why is my ear plugged up and why can't I hear? Stick finger in ear, shake it around a bit, did it clear? Nope still plugged. Maybe once I take a shower it will unplug. Ug, this huge tummy is still with me. When will this kid come out? Oh no, it has to come out. How will it come out? I know, sounds crazy, like I don't know how a baby comes out, but seriously, how will it come out? I started thinking, my mom obviously did it three times, although the last one doesn't really count because she had a C Section due to my baby sister being breeched. Then I thought of my mom's 6 sisters, they all have kids and all of them were delivered naturally. So it's possible. I'll just have to push him out, that's all. Then I felt anxiety; my whole life will never be the same. Will I be able to watch TV while I have the baby? Can I still watch Sex and the City reruns or watch new episodes of Lost? Probably not since I'll have to feed the baby, rock the baby to sleep, try to figure out what's wrong with baby and why it keeps crying. My entire time will be dedicated to taking care of the baby. I can't deal with this, I need my TV. TV is what keeps me moving, keeps me alive. Then I thought, well since I can't watch TV what will keep me entertained? I guess I can talk to the baby or talk to my husband but I know that will get boring eventually. I have to watch TV. Every morning I wake up with Channel 4 news and then I watch 15 minutes of Good Morning America to get the latest headlines throughout the world. I have a weekly schedule of TV watching.
Monday nights: Wife Swap, Supernanny
Tuesday nights: American Idol
Wednesday nights: Lost and American Idol results show
Thursday nights: Alias and Dancing with the Stars
Friday nights: America's Funniest Home Videos and Dancing with the Stars results show
Saturday nights: Nothing but I do watch DVD rentals
Sunday nights: Desperate Housewives.

See, the schedule is full so I can't possibly take care of the baby while watching my TV shows. Am I really ready to take care of a baby? I was 12 when my baby sister Erika was born. She was my guinea pig; I learned how to feed a baby, how to change a diaper, how to make a baby laugh, how to change clothes because they had spit up on their onsies. I learned everything from her but she wasn't mine, she wasn't my baby. Now I'll be responsible for a tiny human being and I'm not too sure I can do it. What if I break him from holding him too tight? What if he poops so much I can't clean him properly? What if I can't breastfeed him because I don't produce enough milk? I can't deal with this. Suddenly anxiety breaks me down and I'm having a meltdown. I need help, I can't deal with this, I must runaway, run far far away and no one will have to tell me to take care of the baby. Wait, I can do this. I've been wanting this baby so badly, I have to face it. My life will be different and yes perhaps I can't watch Lost and find out what "the others" are all about but I have a saving grace; I have TIVO!


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